


Tired. Donghyuck Is So, Unbelievably, Endlessly Tired.

by pouthyucks



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Depression, Except for Jisung, Gen, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Inspired by Real Events, Mental Health Issues, Mentioned Huang Ren Jun, Mentioned Lee Jeno, Mentioned Mark Lee (NCT), Panic Attacks, hyuck has shitty friends basically
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-31
Updated: 2019-08-31
Packaged: 2020-10-04 00:46:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20462261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pouthyucks/pseuds/pouthyucks
Summary: Donghyuck is so tired of pretending that everything is fine, that he doesn't know about Jaemin going behind his back, that what happened all those months ago only made him stronger.But he doesn't know how to stop pretending.





	Tired. Donghyuck Is So, Unbelievably, Endlessly Tired.

**Author's Note:**

> i promise that happy fics are coming soon, y'all. i'm working on it, but what i'm doing right now is a fairly big project that i've literally been writing for two years because i'm trying out a new writing style with it. but i promise it's super fluffy and cute and wholesome and also stars my favourite ship of all time aka chansoo. 
> 
> but yeah uh sorry. this is super heavy and sad and Not Good and i wrote it completely on a whim. i'll probably come back and edit it tomorrow but it's 11:30pm rn and i have to wake up at 6:30 .
> 
> thank you all for sticking with me for so long. i really appreciate it.

The wind whips Donghyuck’s face, leaving stinging slashes in their wake. His eyes have never felt _ this _ aflame before. He can barely muster enough strength to look up anymore, his eyelids are so heavy and the mere _ thought _ of making any kind of eye contact makes the burn even more severe. His skin is dry and aching, mostly from relentlessly scrubbing away any remnant of the past that lingered. It never worked anyway, but Lee Donghyuck is anything but a quitter, which is the only means he has to continue the slog of his everyday life. 

“Slog” doesn’t seem like an accurate word, now that Donghyuck thinks about it, he would describe it more as exhaustion, exhaustion that drains every single little bit of joy from his eyes. He doesn’t let it show, of course, he would rather anything over being viewed as weak or fragile, especially now. He wants, no, _ needs _ to be strong, now more than ever. He wants nothing more than to find positivity from this situation, to become a paragon, a beacon of hope for those who have been, and, unfortunately, will be in his place in the future. He wants to be the walking, talking, living, and breathing example of strength and resilience that those around him think he is. He wants to be what his mother always told him he was, that no matter what life threw at him, that he was always able to pick himself back up again and continue from where he left off. And that his strength, his dexterity, and his sheer courage, were what made him Donghyuck.

But he can’t do it anymore. 

His back aches and cracks with every step he takes. His eyes rim with salty water every time he sees _ them _ together, laughing and smiling, having the time of their lives, even when one party fucked him and his entire life up more than he previously knew was possible, and when the other knows in _ excruciating detail _ exactly what happened on that December day, as well as in the days, weeks, and months following it. It’s honestly unbelievable, in some ways. Donghyuck thought his eyes were genuinely playing tricks on him the first time he saw Jaemin arm in arm with… _ him _ . Donghyuck can’t even stomach hearing his own thoughts spell out _ his _ name. But then he saw them together again. And again, with Jaemin ditching him at lunch, claiming to be studying and not wanting to be distracted, to only see him sitting and joking around with _ him _ outside the library, not a laptop or textbook in sight. And again, this time with Jisung saying that he saw them together again, overhearing Donghyuck’s own name amidst their conversation. 

And the worst part, is that Donghyuck doesn’t know how to stop pretending that he doesn’t know. That he hasn’t seen the things he’s seen. And that, even if he did know, he doesn’t mind. 

Until one day, in the middle of a semi-argument with his mother, it all _ finally _ comes crashing down around him. It would be cathartic if he could breathe.

“I can’t-” _ gasp _ , “keep doing-” _ gasp _ , “this any-” _ gasp _ , “more-” _ gasp _. “I can’t fucking do it.”

He doesn’t even know what’s happening anymore, he doesn’t remember where he is, or who he is, or how he got here. All he knows is that his head is fuzzy, and the only thing he can make out when he closes his eyes is _ his _ face. He doesn’t know what he’s saying, either. He could be reciting the _ Hannah Montana: The Movie _ script for all he knows. But he can’t get the short breaths he manages to take to stay in his lungs. He can’t stop making sounds that make his skin crawl and his throat hurt. He can’t stop crying like a pathetic child. 

After Donghyuck finally manages to calm himself down again, he sits on his bed in complete darkness. He contemplates going into school on Monday and _ finally _ confronting Jaemin, telling him exactly how he feels, how hurt he is, how _ betrayed _ he feels. He wants to tell Jaemin, Renjun, and Jeno that he’s fed up with every single one of them, even though he knows he can’t _ really _ be mad at Renjun and Jeno. As far as they’re concerned, _ he _ and Donghyuck just had a regular falling out. But Jaemin is a different story; _ Jaemin knows every single detail. _ He watched Donghyuck pour his goddamn heart out right in front of him. He watched Donghyuck cry and sob and scream about how he feels disgusting, unclean, dirty. About how he blamed himself, how he thought he should’ve done something. Jaemin knows how much it physically pains Donghyuck to even say his _ name _ , how it tears him up inside and out, how that _ name _ and that _ boy _ destroyed whatever spirit and resilience he had left even after all he’d been through. Losing his grandfather didn’t do it. His mother remarrying an asshole didn’t do it. Being completely alone in school for an entire year didn’t do it. Losing his best friend, Mark Lee, to a ten paragraph long text message on a cold June night didn’t do it. Every single time, Donghyuck picked himself back up from the ground and kept walking. But _ he _ kept him down, he didn’t let him stand back up again. And Jaemin knows this better than anyone.

But Donghyuck knows exactly what’s going to happen on Monday; he’s going to show up at school, sit with his friends, crack jokes and recite weekend anecdotes before the bell rings, and then walk with Jaemin to homeroom. Then he’s going to either join Jaemin at lunch, probably with Jisung, and act like everything is normal, or Jaemin is going to ditch him to hang out with _ him _ again, and Donghyuck is going to pretend like he has no idea what Jaemin is actually doing. 

Because Donghyuck wants so desperately to be strong. And if doing that sacrifices his emotional wellbeing, then so be it.


End file.
